Thursday, August 31, 2006

The latest news about identity theft is that cell phones have your messages indelibly imprinted within them. So, a thief or someone who may now own your old phone has all your previous messages including conversations with girl friends, credit card numbers, bank account numbers, business deals and all sort of juicy information at their disposal to rob you blind or blackmail you into poverty. If George Bush is not listening in then someone is eventually going to be listening to assure you have no privacy.
They are going to have a big surprise when they find the information on my cell phone. It will be blank because I hardly ever use that phone. First of all I can never get into the correct position or the right place of have a conversation which goes smoothly and uninterrupted. Every other sentence is, “can you hear me know.” Those five words are now the most common words in the English language and the first words a baby learns to say.
I was raised at a time when you only called on the phone regarding a death in the family. I just don’t use the phone very much and never give out any secret numbers or personal information. I did call 911 one time when I had a fender bender from a car backing into me. I have occasionally called home to see if my wife wants me to pick up milk or some other item from the store on my way home. I did call one time when I got lost from my wife while we were shopping in Walmart. She told me she was up by the cashiers and that I should either hold her hand or get into the cart to avoid getting lost anymore.
Anyway, if someone steals my phone they are in for a big surprise and a major disappointment.
If Presidents Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon or Clinton had their secret conversations tapped or indelibly recorded they would not have lasted a day in office. Maybe this latest intrusion is not so bad after all.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The FBI’s most wanted person in America was arrested this week near Las Vegas, Nevada. Fugitive Warren Steed Jeff was arrested along with one of his 40 wives. He is America’s best know polygamist and leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter-day Saints. He took over the leadership of the church following the death of his 98 year old father who had several wives and 65 children. The younger Jeff has about 60 children so far.
When pulled over by the police he said, “I just had to get out of the compound for awhile because the kids were driving me crazy and I had enough of my wives bitching about not doing enough about the house and staying in bed all day.” He said, “ I just didn’t have the strength to carry on trying to service all those women and help chase after the kids to boot.”
Jeff has been accused of promoting the marriage of young girls to married men. “There are just not enough white men to go around.” he said in defense of his polygamy views. “Muslims men are accustomed to servicing a house full of virgins but we aren’t going to let that kind into our church,” he said. He claimed that, “Jesus doesn’t like swarthies and blacks and we don’t want them in our church to worship our God of love and mercy.”
Jeff was on his way to pick up his friend John Mark Karr who had just been released from jail in Boulder Colorado for not murdering JonBenet Ramsey. They were planning on attending a pedophile convention. Following the meeting of pedophiles they had planned to attend a beauty contest for preschool children and pick out a few who might be easily abducted and then violated and finally buried in a new piece of property they had recently acquired in the desert.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

There is no question my age is showing more and more. Even at my advanced age, and escorted by my wife, I still notice good looking girls, but lately I have paid more attention to the way they dress than the shape of their legs or the depth of their cleavage. While eating out this past weekend, I noticed a few young ladies at a table near us who were representative of what I have noticed more and more through the years. They wore jeans that I would have discarded when I was their age. They wear these tank tops or muscle type shirts for girls with their bra straps of a different color ornamenting their shoulder in addition to the tacky shirt. Their tattered jeans extend far below the cleavage of the abundant mounds of the buttock and a tattoo usual ornaments this cleavage. Their ears usually have multiple piercings along the cartliage of the pinna. The brow and tongue rings are frequent sites to compliment the ear. Beauty like this can only be found in National Geographic. Their hair styles look more like a scarecrow.
All this is in contrast to the type girls I grew up with who looked like Marilyn Monroe and Lauren Bacall in How to Marry a Millionaire and all the people in my time looked like those in the Peyton Place movie. All were well dressed. Even the activities depicted in Peyton are a Sunday School picnic compared to the activities of today.
My observations on the youth and average person of the time were quickly put into proper perspective this weekend when I went to Tyler to visit my severely demented sister. She sat in the chair blissfully smiling, totally unaware of the cesspool of humanity roaming the streets. There are some advantages to dementia.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Last week physicians discovered that the bald head of New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin is actually his brain which is totally smooth with complete absence of the usual sulci and gyri seen in a normal brain. His brain is covered with a very thin mantel of cortex or grey matter which accounts for his stupid statements and inability to make proper decisions, especially when hurricanes are blowing into town or he is talking to the press. His remarks regarding the mere hole in the ground at the site of the World Trade Center and comparing it to the more extensive devastation of New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina is an example of how his brain works.
Mayor Nagin has employed a full time agent to help him write statements of apology for his stupid remarks because his brain is simply not capable of filtering out his asinine verbiage. The agent he hired for this full time job has a great deal of experience and was previously employed by TV evangelist Pat Robertson.

Friday, August 25, 2006

This week, the planet Pluto was eliminated from the list of planets by the International Astronomical Union. We now have only eight planets orbiting the sun. Clyde Tombaugh discovered the so called planet in 1930 at the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff Arizona. Now you can forget that.
To be considered a planet it should be a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a nearly round shape and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit. Pluto is taken off the list because its oblong orbit overlaps Neptunes.
The International Astronomical Union also declared that this whole thing is the fault of George Bush. He was responsible for the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center, Hurricane Katrina and Global warming. Now, “because of his inept administration we must eliminate Pluto as a planet,” a spokesman for the Union said. The spokesman for the group also said that “ Bush somehow got the notion that Osma bin Laden was hiding on Pluto and demanded that our group vote to disregard it as a planet thereby eliminating his hiding place.”
In any event, we now only have eight planets and this should make it easier for the school kids to learn eight rather than nine.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

August 22, 2007: John Mark Karr’s long awaited book hit the bookstores today. It’s called Hornswoggle and is about his now famous duping of the public about the JonBenet Ramsy murder case. Karr has made several appearances on the Oprah show as well as Larry King Live, Jay Leno and David Letterman promoting the book and telling his story. Word is now that he has also signed a multimillion dollar movie contract for the big screen version of his remarkable story.
It all started when he confessed to the murder in 2006 and was given a first class airline trip back home to the US from Thailand. He dined on first class food with wine and champagne. When he arrived in the US he didn’t even have to go through customs, they came on board the plane to check him out. He was inconvenienced a few days by staying in a private cell with good food and entertainment until no evidence was found to link him to the crime. He even had a good alibi from his ex child wife who said he wasn’t even in Colorado at the time of the murder. DNA, handprints and other evidence didn’t match with Mr. Karr and he was cleared and he laughed his way out of the courtroom already having signed a multimillion dollar book deal to tell how he had hornswoggled everyone.
The biggest dupe of all is when Karr revealed that everything about the Ramsey case had been a hoax and there wasn’t even a JonBenet Ramsy who had been murdered. She had actually been a big wind up Barbie doll and the parents come up with this whole idea of a child who had been murdered on Christmas to sell a good story to the public to gain fame and fortune, which they did.
The next thing you know is that someone will come up with the idea that the holocaust was a hoax, imagine that.

Friday, August 18, 2006

It’s back to school time for the Montgomery grandkids. Summer is rapidly passing even though the temperatures are still in the 100’s and we have had no rain. Unfortunately, school now starts before Labor Day which should be against the law. It has been a great summer for everyone with the Anniversary party and exotic trips to places like Italy, Yellowstone, Colorado and of course Santa Fe.
Now we come into a favorite time of year for the family, which includes cooler weather, football. pumpkins, Halloween, Thanksgiving and topping it all of with Christmas. It’s that time of year which Ray Bradbury describes as October Country; where the hills are fog and the rivers are mist; where noons go quickly, dusks and twilight lingers and midnights stay. It’s a time for autumn thoughts, ghostly tales and the anticipation of Halloween.
It’s really the most fun time of year.
The latest psycho who loves to molest kids surfaced this week and confessed to the killing of JonBenet Ramsey. John Mark Karr was arrested in Thailand after he confessed to the murder of JonBenet. He claimed he was in love with her and the death was an accident. His confession may only be confabulated because of his psychosis and obsession with molestation of children. Unfortunately, JonBenet was a little beauty queen who was displayed by her parents and served as attractive bait for pedophiles. He may have just been overly infatuated with her.
Where is a child to go these days to be safe from people like John Mark Karr ? Pedophiles and sex offenders are everywhere and include priest, ministers, teachers and folks that at one time we thought we could trust. Even many of the cops are crooked (look at New Orleans). Kids are probably safer with the town drunk.
There was a Safe Place Program started in 1983 which had it’s origin by the YMCA in Louisville KY. I believe it is still under their direction with a Board of Directors. Places are designated and marked with signs as safe havens for kids who have all sorts of problems. Kids in trouble may come and are put in contact with counselors and others who may give them help and direction. Businesses, schools, fire stations etc. participate in the Safe Place Program. With the proliferation of child molesters and pedophiles it wouldn’t surprise me if that group of perverts will begin staffing the Safe Places. It’s like a candy store for a person with a sweet tooth. Maybe bars are the best place for kids to go, at least we know where the drunk stands.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Homeland Security Chief, Michael Chertoff, called well-known celebrity psychologist, Dr. Phil McGraw, into service today to train airport security in psychological profiling. It is now believed that terrorist can be detected by their body language and is a more sensitive security measure than having everyone take off their shoes. Liquid explosives and shoe bombs can’t be detected by X-Ray and Homeland Security had to find a better way to identify madmen, Dr. Phil seemed to be the answer.
Dr. Phil achieved national fame through Oprah Winfrey and the famous Amarillo meat trial. He had established a reputation for helping select the right jurors for a trial to favor the client he had been paid to help. He saw Oprah successfully through her trial and later became famous on her show with his behavioral approach to psychology and advice for troubled people. He then got his own show and has made millions. He is now eminently qualified to help our nation and stop the terrorist from blowing up our planes.
Dr. Phil says you can tell if a guy is a terrorist, and ready to blow himself up, by the expression on his face and certain body language. He said, “key things to look for are a furrowed brow, beads of sweat on the face or a twitching lip.” A swarthy look, a heavy beard and a turban also help but these can’t be used because it is considered racial profiling. He said, ‘with my method we also look at grandmothers, cripples and babies.” He indicated that, ‘everyone should be under suspicion because you just never know when babies and grandmothers will get into the act of blowing themselves up.”

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The world finally saw photos of the ailing Cuban dictator and madman, dressed all in red, in his hospital bed. He is hospitalized in an undisclosed place with an undisclosed diagnosis. He apparently had surgery for an intestinal bleeding problem. At his age that would usually indicate cancer, colonic diverticuli or something like an angiodysplasia of the colon. Of course colon cancer would be of greatest concern, but we will probably be kept in the dark until near the end if that is the diagnosis.

Castro was visited by his brother Raul and his good friend and fellow madman, Venezuelan President Hugo Chaves. They are shown looking at a picture of Castro with his prominent beard. The other possibility is that the man in the bed is not Castro and is only a look a like and they are showing him a picture of the man he is pretending to be in order to fool the people. Surely, they wouldn’t try to dupe the people with a trick like that.
Other visitors piled into the hospital during the weekend including: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Mahmoud just wanted to compare beards since he and Castro have been voted as having the ugliest beards in the world. Mahmoud has been a little embarrassed that he can not grow a full beard like other Muslim men. Other visitors were Kim Jong of North Korea who arrived with a fresh haircut and came with his American friends Jimmy Carter and Susan Surandon. Cindy Sheehan was going to make the trip but had to cancel to go to the emergency room at a Waco hospital suffering from exhaustion because of her liquid fast and the Texas heat. Osma bin Laden was reported to have also visited but he stayed confined to the basement of the hospital and sent a videotape to Fidel’s room. Dan Rather covered the event which will be aired on a special edition of CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360. Cooper is currently doing a little medical research to show how Castro’s medical problem is all George Bush’s fault and related to global warming.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Last week it was discovered that several children fathered by the same sperm donor have genetic defects. This was discovered through a Donor Sibling Registry when mothers started inquiring why their children might be autistic and have other developmental problems. Several have been traced to a single sperm donor simple labeled as 3066 and came from a California Cryobank based in Los Angeles.
It’s sad, but what are they to expect if their child looks like the baby pictured above. Who would you think donates sperm and for what reason? You just don’t see many Nobel Prize winners are Olympic Gold Medallist donating their sperms. It’s usually done by bums who need the money and may be harboring every germ and genetic defect known to science. One mother said, “I’m ready to sue, because my kid has an extra eye in the middle of his forehead.” Another was reported to have been upset because her child had a pig’s snout and she claimed it was because the sperm had been altered by global warning and it was all George Bush’s fault.
Maybe we could take a few lessons from horse breeders. They pick the best thoroughbreds for breeding and pay big bucks. Are horses that much better than humans? Maybe I shouldn’t have ask that last question. Just remember what Mark Twain said about a relative of the horse, the jackass. “Concerning the difference between man and the jackass; some observers hold that there isn’t any, but this wrongs the jackass.”

Friday, August 11, 2006

A new threat has been uncovered this week with the arrest of 21 people in London who were planning on blowing up airlines using liquid explosives. As a result, all airlines have been placed on high alert and carry on liquids will now be forbidden. Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff announced that American Airports have been place on red alert. Al-Quaida are again the group responsible for the terrorist act.
As an ostomy patient this is going to make it tough to fly because most ostomy folks always carry a small bag with their ostomy supplies including a liquid to cleanse the bag. Ostomy patients are never without their little bag, so flying for them may be a thing of the past.
If al-Quida madmen only knew that ostomy patients have the ultimate lethal weapon it would spell the end of all air travel. All ostomates (this is what fellow ostomy patients call themselves) know that the most offensive odor in the world is the contents of their ostomy bags. When the bags fill with gas expelled from the colon, this gas is hundreds of times more odorous that that expelled from the rectum even from the most revolting redneck. Ostomates are careful to open their bags outside or in isolation in their own bathrooms with plenty of matches and deodorizers. If a full ostomy bag was opened in the confines of an airplane everyone would bail out without a parachute and the plane would likely crash because of asphyxiation of the pilot
God forbid the terrorist finding out about the power of the ostomy bag contents. It would be better and more merciful for the world for them to have the atomic bomb.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Iranian scientist, Dr Morteza Hussein, announced yesterday that they have successfully cloned a sheep at the Isfahan Royan Institute in Iran. “We don’t know what we are going to do with the thing now that we have it,” said Dr. Hussein. “We were just trying to do it to keep up with England.” “Our scientific programs are aimed at keeping up with the rest of the world and we were a little surprised the sheep thing worked out so well,” he said. He also stated, “keeping up with the rest of the world is the reason we have pushed ahead with the development of nuclear capabilities including the bomb.”
Dr. Morteza admitted he was glad the sheep died since sheep don’t do well in Iran. “We did feast on leg of lamb,” he said. He are considering several options with our cloning program, He indicated there has been interest in research for the reattachment of heads following beheading of wrong individuals. “ Since we don’t have a trial system to prove an individuals guilt or innocence, we have quite a few mistaken beheadings and reattachment would be a nice thing in these cases.” Dr. Morteza also said that Iran is interested in sharing its cloning program with Mexico. Mexico is interested in cloning more illegal aliens to further weaken the United States. Even though the average Mexican family has 12 children that hasn’t been enough to keep up with the demand for illegal aliens.
Dr. Morteza indicated that their next project is attempting a successful appendix transplant.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Television Evangelist and master of politically incorrect statements, Pat Robertson of 700 Club fame, announced last week that God had spoken to him and announced that indeed the globe is warming. “It’s all George Bush’s fault”, he told Robertson. Robertson had become suspicious that global warming was occurring because the latest satellite photos of the north pole showed the artic ice cap to be reduced to the size of an ice cube. He had also been in California for the past several days where the temperature was over 100 degrees everyday. Robertson was absolutely convinced God was speaking to him when he saw the above picture of thousands of Chinese crowding the beach at the Chinese resort of Quindao. God told Robertson “those people are desperate for a cool dip in the water, and it reminds me of how Hell is going to be.”
God also indicated to Robertson that he and Satan had been doing some long range planning and decided to go ahead and make earth into hell. He had been looking for a location in the Universe for when the end of times comes, and it seems like earth is the right place since we have been heading in that direction for a long time. Robertson in his interview also said that he is happy about the current middle east conflict which is rapidly moving us to Armageddon

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Doping charges again cloud the victory of the Tour de France cycle race. Floyd Landis the 2006 winner is now accused of taking testosterone to assure victory. His final dash to overcome incredible odds and be the winner by an hour made officials suspicious. The above photo taken as he crossed the finish line also raised questions. His testosterone level was found to be ten times that found in a full-grown gorilla.When approached at his temporary residence in a French brothel, he was surround by 20 smiling women, and flatly denied the charges. The neddle used to draw his blood sample broke at the skin surface and an electric drill was necessary to obtain the specimen. Landis stated that “this is just a trumped up charge like the one against Lance Armstrong by the wimpy French losers.” He said, ‘ everyone is just jealous of us superior Americans.” He further stated that he was no more guilty than Lance Armstrong for using EPO or Barry Bond for using steroids. “ None of us did anything wrong, we were just out to win.”

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

At a news conference in South Beriut today the world was again shocked by an announcement by Hezbollah authorities that the high flying, boozing, Christian movie idol Mel Gibson has converted to Islam and will now head the Hezbollah military. Gibson was present at the conference and said, “ I’m tired of those Jew babies and am now siding with the Hezbollah to eradicate Zionism from the face of the earth.” Gibson has changed his name to Mohammed almel Gibzujahezzqawiiabuson.
Gibson rode into the meeting on a camel with a rifle held high over his head yelling, “death to the Jewish infidels.” When ask why he was down on the Jews, Gibson indicated that they had killed Christ and he was tired of their whining about the Holocaust. He said, “the holocaust was no worse than what the Catholics had to endure when all their priest were accused of being pedophiles and gays.”
Gibson said that he had always wanted to be like Lawrence of Arabia since that was his favorite movie. He remarked to a reporter that he just regretted that there were no trains to blow like Lawrence was so famous for doing. Gibson was sporting the beginning sprouts of a beard. He said, “Peter OToole was unable to grow a beard for the Lawrence movie because he was blond and blue-eyed and would have looked even more like a freak in the Arab world.
Gibson said he loved the character William Wallace who he played in Braveheart. He was a mad Scot in the 13th Century who was hacked off at the British Lords who tried to go to bed with his wife on their wedding night and ended up killing her. The Jews are worse than the English Lords and I am now willing to put on my war paint and be drawn and quartered to see them eliminated.
When ask about his alcohol problem he said, ”two days in rehab were enough to set me straight . I know that Muslims don’t drink, but if the infidel Bush can give it up so can I.”