Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Saddam Hussein with his famous gun. Rumsfield sealing new deal with Saddam who will again become Supreme Dictator of Iraq. Bush feels this is the only solution to the Iraq mess and the shutting of Cindy Sheehans mouth. See story below. Photo on the left is old and from files but applies to the current situation.
The Bush administration shocked the world today with the announcement that secret bargaining has been going on with Chief Judge Raouf Abdel-Rahman who presides over the Saddam Hussein trial. It has been decided that Hussein’s former crimes are to be forgiven and he is to be reinstated as Supreme Dictator of Iraq. Bush has decided that it’s the only solution to the mess in Iraq. It’s expected that the insurgents will quickly fall in line with the new regime and all hostilities toward the US will cease. US troops will be immediately withdrawn.
The US has agreed to reimburse Saddam 10 trillion dollars of his personal wealth which was seized during the American invasion. His statues, posters and banners, once displayed on every street corner, will be replaced. In exchange Saddam now freely admits that he did have weapons of mass destruction which included chemical and biological agents which were easily buried in the desert during the prolonged UN inspection. Rocket launchers were easily moved to Syria and are the ones now being used against the Israeli pigs. Saddam also readily admitted that he was well into negotiations with Putin of Russia for nuclear material.
The US has also agreed to give Saddam his gun back. This gun was very important to Hussein and was a familiar site to the world as he stood on the balcony assuring his people that he was indeed the supreme leader who would blow their heads off if they voted against him in their democratic elections.
As part of the bargaining, Hussein has agreed to resume gassing and other inhumane acts against the Iranians. He will also resume negotiations with Russia which in turn will help them reestablish their nuclear arsenal and return us to the good old days of the cold war so that spy novelist will again have some decent material for their stories and James Bond films will again have some excitement.
Saddam sealed the deal by shaking hands with Donald Rumsfield. American troops are expected to be withdrawn immediately. Bush was reported to have said, “ now maybe Cindy Sheehan will keep her mouth shut and I can go back to Crawford in peace.”

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Dan Rather, who has always been a friend of terrorist and madmen, has recently landed a job as an anchor man with the Al-jazeera network. He went through a stage of depression following his departure from CBS News but has found new life and is overjoyed with his new job. His wife was not too happy about their move to a new home in a cave somewhere between Afghanistan and Pakistan.
His first assignment was coverage of an International terrorist meeting hosted by Osma bin Laden. Most of the words most notorious terrorist and madmen were present at the meeting including; Mahmaud Ahmadinejad of Iran, Sheik Hassan of the Hezbollah, Abdel Aziz Rantisi of Hamas, and Kim Jong of North Korea. Even Rather's friend Fidel Castro, pictured above, was present. At first Dan had a little difficulty with so many weird names but is gradually getting the hang of it.
The opening address at the meeting was by bin Laden. He urged Muslims worldwide to unite against the infidel pigs of Israel and the United States. Dan Rather told of his conversion to Islam and also related a few humorous stories about the cowardly George W. Bush and his National Guard service.
The conference was filled with workshops and seminars which included; suicide techniques, roadside bomb making, flying but not landing airplanes, shoe bomb repair, and the fundamentals of atomic bomb construction. A packed house was present for a lecture on the here after and the handling of multiple virgins at one time. The workshop on bomb making was a big bang and was held in a special cave with a viewing portal for the instructor who was safely posioned in an adjacent cave. There were a number of casualities in the workshop, but the instructor remained safe and secure.
Rather reported that the conference was a big success. Rather also presented a workshop on subjects such as; frightening people with the news, effective techniques on lying to the public and deceptive backdrops for press conferences so that the audience couldnot tell the place of orgin.
Rather's salary for the new job has not been disclosed but rumors have it that he has been promised a larger number of virgins than the 9/11 group. His wife was also not happy with this part of the deal.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

At a White House news conference today, Press Secretary, Scott McClellan, announced that President Bush was happy to know that his recent off the mic comments to British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, about the Middle East using the S__t word gained so much attention. McClellan said that the president will now use it much more often rather than just in cabinet meetings and to the leaders of foreign countries.
Bush started off the conference by saying, " I wish Congress would stop this S__t about stem cell research, they know I'm going to veto the bill. Let them continue to throw those unused in vitro fertilized cells away, we are not going to allow them to use that s__t for stem cells . We don't need any stem cells to find a cure for Cancer, paralysis or neurological diseases. It's all a myth created by some of those high profile movie stars."
When asked about the slow response time for evacuating Americans from Lebanon, Bush replied that he had placed FEMA in charge of this project and he thought the response time was pretty good for those guys. He stated that the delay was okay because it gave that little s__t head machine gun mouth, Anderson Copper from CNN, something else to stutter about.
The president closed the conference by saying, "I plan to use the s__t word a lot more in the future, at least it's a word I can pronounce, unlike so many of those middle east names which are so hard to learn." The American people also need to know that I do know the difference between s__t and Shinola.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Federal Drug Administration announced today the release of the long anticipated drug Youthall. Years of research have gone into the development of this miracle drug which is reported to cure all forms of cancer, and reverse coronary artery disease and all forms of arteriosclerosis . It has the added benefit of providing immunity to all infectious diseases including AIDS and curing Type I and II diabetes. It also reverses all birth defects and congenital abnormalities. After a few days of therapy it cures all neurological disorders including any type of paralysis as well as most neurological diseases such as muptile sclerosis , movement disorders and all forms of headache. It restores youthful vitality and sexual function to that of a 20 year. All forms of senility are reversed and 20 points are added to the IQ. These are only a few of the many conditions which are cured by this amazing drug which if taken regularly allows you to eat any food of your choice, including pizza, chicken fried steak with lots of gravy, and ice cream . Unlimited amounts of alcohol may be consummed without fear of developing cirrhosis. Smoking may also be reinstated for those who take the medication on a regular basis.
The FDA warns that Youthall is not for everyone and should not be taken if you have had an upper respiratory infection in the past five years, have had a hair cut within the past two years, traveled more that a mile from your home since birth, or have ever had a headache or any sexual desires. Any type of lethargy, pain, weakness, dizziness, are indigestion, should be reported to your doctor immediately
The next time you are in your doctors office don't forget to insist on a prescription for Youthall. Call it by name or the big red pill. If your doctor refuses to give you the Rx threaten to sue him or change physicians. Those things usually get his attention.

Monday, July 17, 2006

The infant mortality stats in the US are not very good compared to other countries. We are 28th in the world. The stat really means the number of infant deaths per 1000 births. In the US it is 6.8 compared to the best which is in Finland where it is 3.78. Maybe that's the reason Brad Pitt and the girl on the right, Angelina Jolie, decided to have their baby in Nambia, a small country in south west Africa. They don't report any infant mortality figures since most of the babies are born in the bush and if they survive being eaten by a big cat they live another day to die of AIDS. Pitt and Jolie have the only recorded birth, so that country now ranks number 1. They did have an OB/Gyn physician flown over from the US to do the C-Section ( that's not fair).
Anyway, everything came out okay, but can you imagine Pitt dumped the girl in the top left photo, Jennifer Aniston, for Angelina.
More and more movie stars are getting into the OB business. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes purchased an unltasound machine so they could watch the growth of their daughter Suri. Cruise was even going to eat the placenta of the baby but sources close to the couple say he chickened out and only drank the blood from the portion of the umbilical cord attached to the placenta.
What is next in the way of Hollywood OB weirdness? Could it be that a movie star might even get married before having a child.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Radio host and conservative spokesman Rush Limbaugh was arrested at Palm Beach International Airport today for illegal possession of drugs and firearms. The Palm Beach County Sheriff said, "We've got the fat loud mouth this time." Limbaugh was cuffed and taken to the county jail where his attorney, Ray Black, said that he was charged with drug trafficking and possession of illegal firearms which are felony charges. Limbaugh was found to have a bottle of Vigra in his suitcase and a leather rifle case containing a Daisy BB gun. His

girl friend was quoted as saying, " I don't know why this is such a big deal, the Vigra hasn't done a thing for him like it has for some of the other guys I date, and the BB gun is a gift for a child who is a friend of the family." The Vigra was apparently obtained through the internet from one of those Spam pop up advertisements. The BB gun was traced to a Walmart store where it had been charged on Limbaugh's MasterCard. A stash of marijuana found in his suitcase was dismissed as insignificant and confiscated by the Palm Beach County Sheriff for his own personal use.

Limbaugh will be arraigned in Judge David Crow's court in Palm Beach tomorrow and bail is expected to be set at 500,000 dollars ( Monopoly money). Until then Limbaugh will be incarcerated in the Palm Beach County Jail. The sheriff was quoted as saying, " we can't let predators like this run lose on the streets of Palm Beach."

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The above practices have been forbidden in a Texas school district in Arlington. Thank God.
The practice on the left is known as ear gauging. This is making the pierced hole in the ear lobe bigger so you can even get your finger through it. The guy with the teeth is known as grillzing. Ornamental jewelry is capped over the teeth. It used to be just gold, now it can be anything, including diamonds. The cost for the teeth is anything from a couple of hundred to thousands of dollars. That's pretty costly, but it doesn't matter since most of these folks don't have jobs anyway. They can get the cash from their usual source which is stealing or drug dealing.
I guess the next thing will be neck rings, then these productive members of society will be ornamented enough for deportation to Africa. They can also be models for National Geographic. One place they are unlikely to be found is in church and that is another good reason to go to this safe haven.

Monday, July 10, 2006

A reliable source from inside North Korea leaked the real reason that Kim Jong II launched a series of missiles, one with a long range capability. Not to be outdone by the Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi who is a devoted fan of Elvis Presley, Kim Jong is a devoted fan of Elton John. That's the reason he wears the funny glasses. He also wears them for correction of his severe myopia.
His myopia was recently corrected with laser surgery and when Jong removed his glasses he saw his haircut for the first time. The source, who prefers to remain anonymous for fear of being chopped into little piece, said that Jong was the victim of a joke at the hands of his barber. The barber had wanted to make Jong look like the clown which he is by sidewalling him to the mid temple level and leaving the hair on top standing straight.
When Jong realized what he really looked like he had the barber executed and totally dismembered with his body parts placed into the heads of the rockets which were already on the launch pads. He wanted this unloyal jokester to be disposed off as far from Korea as possible. His head was placed into the long range rocket bound for the US where it would hopefully land in LA or some other place where jokesters live.
In any event this is the real reason for the missile launches. It has also been reported that Jong has ordered that no Korean vessels be allowed to sail in the Sea of Japan where the barbers head now floats from the failed missile launch.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Went to see Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest this weekend and helped make it a box office smash. Three of the grandkids were my cover and chaperons as we waited in line to enter a packed theater. My only problem is, what is it all about? Because of my age I couldn't understand much of the dialog, although the music blew me out of my seat. At the end and through much of the weekend, at home, we have tried to analyze the plot and neither the three kids or three other adults who saw it with me have the answers.
Captain Jack Sparrow is indebt to Davy Jones who is captain of the Flying Dutchman and is threatend with becoming part of his crew which consist of human sea like creatures, ranging from a hammerhead shark to a puffer fish face on a man. Davy Jones is an octopus headed man whos tentacle are used to play a organ on his ship much like Captain Nemo used on the Nautilus.
Jack Sparrow acts like an inebriated gay with his mannerisms and speech. Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann, who are about to be married but, unfortunately, must be executed unless they get the compass which Sparrow carries with him at all times. It also turns out that Will Turner's father is one of Davy Jone's humanoid like sea creatures and part of the crew of the Dutchman.
A Vodoo lady named Tia Dalma has all the answers, but unfortunately I couldn't understand a word she said. Anyway Will and Elizabeth find out that a key is necessary to open a treasure chest and the key hangs around the neck of Davy Jones.
Along with all this you must tolerate the misadventures of Jack Sparrow including a wild chase by some weird natives.
Davy Jones has control of this huge octopus sea monster which engulfs ships. In spite of this tough looking crew with Davy Jones, Will and Elizabeth manage to get the key from around Davy's neck. They end up on an island with Jack Sparrow and the compass and find it leads to the dead man's chest . When opened, with the key, it contains the beating heart of Davy Jones. A great fight with much sword play ensues over the heart. If Will gets it, his father will be released from the crew of the Dutchman. I think that Sparrow will be spared his fate with Davy Jones.
All sort of confusion reighs over possession of the heart which Sparrow now has in a jar of dirt ( it's still alive). Sparrow ends up on his ship defending it from the monster of Davy Jones. Elizabeth manages to handcuff Sparrow and she along with Will and the rest of the crew man a lifeboat while Jack goes down with the ship. That seems to be the end of Jack until the next movie. What happened to the heart, I don't know. The British authorities may have it but it's not clear.
Anyway, Will, Elizabeth and Sparrow's crew are sitting around mourning the loss of Jack when who should appear but the famous Captain Barbosa of the first movie, the captain of the crew of skeleton people. He is there now to lead them and the movie ends. Help, Help !!!!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Al-Quaida is happy to welcome it's latest member Cindy Sheehan. Rumors are that she may even become Cindy bin Laden. Here are the happy couple dreaming of another attack on the US and that the infidels will be driven from the Middle East. She is most happy that she has gained celebrity status along with Susan and Barbara. If only she had another son to lose in service for his country she might even be considered as a potential candidate for President of the US. Osama could then be first man.

Osama bin Laden wants this man, Abu Masab al Zarqawi, to be buried in Jordon. Why does it matter where he is buried since, like the terrorist of 9/11, he has been taken care of by Majahedeen, and is now in heaven with a bed full of virgins. As far as the here after is concerned, I suspect that he and Ken Lay have now met and virgins are not their companions.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Still recovering from the 4th. Work a little slower than usual.
Not much in remainder of world. North Korea still firing off missles. Ken Lay died, but everyone is probably better off for that. He is a classic example of some of the gluttonous rich I have known. He was as bad for the political right as some of the movie stars are for the political left.
Rush Limbaugh was cleared of charges for having a prescription for Vigra; is there no privacy? That is no ones business anymore than for Bill Clinton having a box of cigars.
Another interesting medical tidbit today is that Tylenol can damage the liver. That has been know for some time but big news today. Water can also cause death especially if aspirated in large quanities into the bronchus, this is know as drowning. We are constatnly being pounded with radiowaves, that has got to cause some ill effect which will one day be discovered. Just hope Dr. Pepper doesn't do anything other than make you fat.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Great 4th. Kids had the annual parade. Big meal, smoked turkey, ham, shrimp, fried chicken, fruit salad, cake. Per family also present. Watched shuttle blast off followed by Italy beating Germany in World Soccer Cup semifinals. Japanese man again won the hot dog eating contest, downing 53. North Korea fired missel. Mad men are everywhere. Hope we can constinue to have other safe 4ths with the world full of these men.