Thursday, September 28, 2006

Initial news reports, yesterday, indicated that Dallas Cowboy receiver Terrell Owens attempted suicide. That statement was quickly retracted and reported that it was an accident that he took more than 35 pain pills for a broken finger. I suspect the latter report is correct. Individuals who attempt suicide are usually depressed and to be depressed it is necessary to have a brain. We are pretty certain that Owens does not posses a brain or at least one which has a cerebral cortex. Like most of the Dallas Cowboys of today he functions purely at a brain stem level.
He probably had the notion (not thought) that if one pill doesn't relieve the pain why not take the whole bottle full. That's how the thing probably happened so now let's get back to some worthwhile news like what did Bush do wrong today.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Former Enron CFO, Andrew Fastow, was sentenced to six years in federal prison for being the mastermind of the Enron scam which cheated scores of people out of their life savings and retirement. He said was sorry for what he had done. He also said,” I am ashamed of what I did.” The question is where is the money he has stashed when he returns to society after a rest in federal prison. The judge was lenient because Fastow was helpful at pointing a finger at his bosses for their part in the scam. Pardon me will I take time out to vomit. Fastow’s wife also spent a year in the pen because of her dealings with the IRS. The judge was kind enough to wait for her release before sentencing Fastow so someone could be home with the kids and home school them on the tricks of the trade.
The other story related to Enron is that there is a strong rumor around Houston that Ken Lay is not even dead and that the whole thing was staged. He has probably taken up residence with Osam bin Laden which is about the safest place in the world to be.

Monday, September 25, 2006

My Blog was off the air on Friday for most of the day. Why this occurred is a mystery to me. I thought that perhaps some of those I have written about recently had somehow managed to pull the blog for more careful study and were plotting some sort of revenge. I have been careful about starting my car lately and am watching the side of the road carefully for objects that might resemble a bomb. I know I may have offended some Muslims, Jews, Christians, doctors, actors, thieves and others in the trade. My intent is not to offend one particular group, but all of them.
I’m always criticizing the Baptist especially the preachers for shouting at us every Sunday morning. They preach the same message to all of us in the congregation, Sunday after Sunday. Everyone there knows John 3:16 by heart and that Jesus is the way to everlasting life. We hear very little of substance to make us better Christians. The songs I now hear in church are strange and in one of the services are sung with the accompaniment of drums, guitars, tambourines and other instruments that make it sound like a rock concert. Some of my brethren in the Protestant camp now have homosexuals for pastors and the ministry is a haven for sexual perverts. Yet in spite of all the fine examples I remain a Christian. I am content to have such a narrow mind.
Now, there you have it, I can criticize the Baptist and Protestants because I am one. Let me say a word about the Jews and I am anti-Semitic and a Nazis. If I say a word about the Muslims then I am in danger of literally losing my head. Who has the narrow mind? At least I am non-violent and am not going to blow myself up.
For now I will continue the fun of speaking about the things which amuse me and the insanity which goes on around me.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

This is a picture of the reconstructed remains of a women who lived about 3.5 million years ago. She has been named Lucy and was recently discovered in Ethiopio. I know modern girls look weird with their piercing and strange clothes but it is a definite improvement over this. Glad I didn't live back then.
This may all be a joke because the Bible says no one lived back then. This would have been more than 6000 years ago. Surely, Eve was better looking than this. This may only be a picture of Hugo Chevez's wife who was made ugly by a spell cast by George Bush.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Venezuelan president Hugh Chavez in a speech to the U.N. today announced to the world that George Bush is the Devil. I’m glad we now know who our leader is. There is no doubt how really powerful he is and has command of most people’s souls. That explains how he caused Hurricane Katrina and global warming. It’s reassuring to know we have such a powerful leader who also rules Venezuela, North Korea, Iran, Russia and China. Mark Twain said that he is the spiritual leader of four-fifths of the human race and political head of the whole of it. In his presence, popes and politicians shrink to midgets for the microscope.
The speech reminded me of one by Russian leader Nikita Khrushchev at the UN in October 1960 when he waved his shoe and beat on the podium saying that he would bury us. He also accused the Filipino delegate to the UN of being a jerk, a stooge and a lackey of imperialism. Like Khrushchev, Chavez is a good friend of Fidel Castro. If he follows their example he is on his way to fame and fortune, just look at what happened to Khrushchev.
The Democrates must be overjoyed that they have the endorsement of Chavez.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A reliable source leaked news of a secret weapon the United States plans to use against Osma Bin Laden. Mexia, Texas born Playmate of the Year Anna Nicole Smith has offered to become a wife of Bin Laden. She gained fame as a famous Playboy Playmate who married a multi-millionaire over 60 years her senior. He died shortly after the wedding when he took one glance at her nude body. He did die happy. She also became famous as a TV personality and for her weight gain and loss. She has had others to mysteriously die in her presence, most recently a son by her first marriage.
She has offered to marry Osma bin Laden and would even be willing to prepare all his meals. Her famous spinach salad will literally take your breath away. The government is confident that when Osma sees her body he can not resist. It sure beats looking at all those women clad in totally black robes with veils and scarves covering their heads. You never know what you are getting with one of those ladies but with Anna Nicole you can be sure. The Muslim women may look like black widows but Anna Nicole is the real thing.

Monday, September 18, 2006

The Vatican has been placed on high alert for a possible terrorist attack following last weeks statement by the Pope regarding the Muslims. Rumor has it that the Sistine Chapel is a prime target for a direct hit by a plane or a suicide bomber. It started when Pope Benedict XVI made a speech last week at Regansburg University in Germany and quoted a 14th Century Byzantine Emperor who said ”show me just what Muhammad brought that was new an there you will find things only evil and inhumane, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.” The evil and inhumane part didn’t go over too well with the Muslims who had been waiting for something else to demonstrate about and launch more suicide attacks. Muslims love to demonstrate and roam in mass crowds in the street with posters and stuffed figures they can burn in effigy. It’s great sport for them.
Inside sources at the Vatican said that some of the Cardinals only laughed at the matter because Benedict’s predecessor Pope John Paul II said much worse things and got away with it because no one could understand what he was muttering as he slumped in his chair. Some who were very close to him, [you had to be real close to hear], had heard him say, “those swarthy heathens should burn, I just wish we could start another good Crusade.” No one ever understood John Paul so the words did no harm.
Even though Benedict has apologized the Muslims are not satisfied. At least two churches have been torched in the Palestinian West Bank in the name of the loving and forgiving prophet Muhammad. The Muslims have said, “he has committed a grave error against us and we demand a personal apology which is his tongue on a silver platter.”
All of this doesn’t bode well for the Pope and his upcoming visit to Turkey. One of the most outspoken critics regarding his statement is Al Bardakogla a Turkish cleric. In preparation for the visit the pope is having a special tank built for him to make his grand entry. It will be the first time a pope has paraded in a tank. The tank will have paintings on each side showing Muhammad and Jesus shaking hands with doves flying around them. Hopefully, the Muslims wont shoot at a picture of Muhammad. The pope wishes to convey a message of peace and that they worship the same God of love who speaks only good words about his fellow man, even if they are a heathen pig, and he is also a God who only uses the sword on the worthless head of an infidel.
As far as us Baptist are concerned, our prayers are with the pope and that Baylor will win another game this year.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The National Academy of Sciences announced yesterday the results of a study by Dr. Lynn Goldman of Johns Hopkins University stating that there is no such thing as the Gulf War Syndrome. Many veterans have been claiming to have this mysterious disease since they participated in the Gulf War several years ago when Iraq invaded Kuwait and we drove them back home. It has been suggested that smoke from the burning oil wells, toxins, pesticides and the nerve gas sarin may all be responsible for this weird collection of symptoms found in the so called “Gulf War Syndrome.”
The symptoms are highly variable and include everything such as fatigue, headache, muscle pain, anxiety, memory loss, sleep disturbance, diarrhea, constipation and menstrual disorders. There is a lack of physical findings on examination and all of their lab and X-Rays are normal.
When I was in Family Practice half the patients I saw had these symptoms and had never been near the Middle East.
The problem certainly couldn’t be from nerve gas or other weapons of mass destruction because Saddam didn’t have any. The symptoms are all very nonspecific and I personally have many of them every day along with most everyone else. Could it be that it might be beneficial to have this mysterious syndrome, which defies all medical detection, if the person might get a nice disability check for the remainder of their life? Surely that wouldn’t have anything to do with it. I am about to retire and I am not feeling too well myself. Maybe my six years in the Army might be used to help supplement my Medicare check.
The one thing I do know is that if the Syndrome is real then it has to be George Bushes fault along with Hurricane Katrina and global warming

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Much of medical reimbursement for physicians is now based on RVU’s or Relative Value Units. Work is defined by a unit value which is assigned a certain dollar amount. In other words a routine office visit to a physician has a certain unit value which is worth X amount of money. The same goes for different operations. More complicated procedures receive higher values and thus are worth more money. This all gives the physician a financial incentive to do more work to make more money. In the old days the physician just charged what they wanted and were paid accordingly. All methods of pay are based on financial incentives. The more you do, the more you are paid. Everyone believes their physician is the best and the most honest and would never think of doing anything just for money. I heard someone say the other day, “I have complete faith in my doctor, he is not like all of the rest who are just interested in money. I don’t think he would operate on me unless he really needed the money.”
I think sports should adopt this method of payment for their players. If a baseball player scores a run or strikes someone out they get a designated amount of money. In football they could be paid for every tackle or touchdown they make. The players would really make the game more exciting as they did everything possible to make a dollar, just like the doctors. Coaches could be paid according to the same formula, but unfortunately some like at Temple High School or Baylor might have to pay the school for allowing them to work.
CEO’s and business executives could be paid just like this. They of course would turn out any product without regard to the quality, much like the doctors do in their quest to pile up RVU’s.
It’s a great American system. Congress should pass a law making it mandatory for everything.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Haven’t written on the blogs for a few days because of depression over several events. I cried all last weekend because every sports team I back lost, as usual. I was stunned when the USA basketball team lost to Greece. I think the only team they have really beaten is the Baka Pygmies from Cameroon Africa. These little guys put up a good fight against the USA Dream Team, but height finally was the deciding edge for the USA. The pygmies had some of the tallest from their tribe with an average height of 4.5 feet compared to 7.5 feet for the USA. The USA represented our best with an average salary of 10 million a year for each player. The pygmies are given a new dart gun and a vile of poison each year to allow them to hunt for their families in the rain forest.
My other teams also lost. The Temple Wildcats again went down in bitter defeat and are off to another 0 and 10 season. I am hopeful that the new multimillion dollar Astroturf and Jumbo scoreboard will improve their performance as much as the mega-salaries have for the USA basketball team.
If all that wasn’t bad enough, my Baylor Bears lost to TCU, but again this wasn’t unexpected. The prayers of the Baptist just weren’t strong enough to bring our team to victory.
I have just about signed off of sports anyway. Since all the professionals make so much money and then blow it on dope it pretty much disgust me. I now only watch the last two minutes of a basketball game and only if it is a championship game. You are wasting your time and overtaxing your nervous system to watch anymore. I fall asleep watching baseball, so have given up on this sport. I only watch the commercials during football games and the last two minutes of the forth quarter, if the game is close.
From now on I am going to be content just watching my grandkids swim and horse around in my sons backyard.

Friday, September 01, 2006

The new anchor of CBS Evening News, Katie Couric, is about to release her new book which stands to make more than her multimillion dollar salary at CBS. The book is entitled “How to Lose Weight Without Even Trying.” The key to her immediate success in dropping the pounds is photography. In the publicity tricks to promote her new job it seems that professional photographers have made her look thinner using tricks with the camera. The book is really about photography rather than a diet book full of hints about eating fruits and vegetable and leaving off carbs and other poisons.
I really hated to see good old Bob Schieffer go. He made the news interesting to me with his approach of bringing the reporters in the field into a conversation about what was happening and giving some explanation. It was certainly less of the total liberal slant we heard from Dan Rather for so many years. Time will only tell if Katie tries to indoctrinate us with the liberal philosophy so prevalent among the news media.