Thursday, September 25, 2008

Since retiring my need for new clothes has greatly diminished. I am content to wear casual clothes and jeans on the porch and to the places I usually frequent, like the post office and grocery store. No one even dresses nicely for church anymore. The church has become a little like the military when I was doing my time. I was stationed in Washington DC when I was in the army. In the summer we were permitted to wear the short sleeve khaki summer uniform. After Labor Day we were required to switch to the army green with coat and tie.

The church is now somewhat like the army I knew. Everyone, including the preacher, wears casual dress during the summer. In the fall, some of us old guys and the preacher switch to a coat and tie. It seems like, more and more, people are staying casual all year long for church. Some of the folks wear stuff I would be embarrassed to wear for yard work. It seems like it is the “in” thing for teenagers to look sloppy all the time. The faded jeans with holes is even popular at church. Of course the belt line is just above the symphysis with the Y cleavage of the buttock shining through. My mother always told me we should look our best for church. She just wouldn’t be able to stand it today and the modern praise music would also send her out the door.

Anyway, my partner decided that some of my undergarments and pajamas were looking pretty ragged. She wouldn’t even allow them to be used for cleaning rags. This prompted us to make one of my rare visits to a clothing store. After visiting a half dozen stores to obtain my simple needs I finally had to get back to the porch before I suffered a stroke. None of my favorite brands or style of pajamas are to be found in the major department stores. I used to buy prepackaged combined pajama tops and bottoms. These are no longer found. There are some of these satin looking things hanging on racks. I don’t think men wear pajamas anymore. Most must be taking Vigra, so they just go to bed ready. I discovered that the word pajamas is no longer in use. The proper term now is sleepwear, as shown in the model above.

The style of briefs I once loved has been replaced by some other rag of inferior material from the orient. Young folks who have majored in marketing and other such things are now employed by the chain stores. They have decided they will make their mark by changing the styles with cheaper stuff and displaying it in cute ways for a greater price so the CEO can get a larger bonus.

To make matters worse, I simply couldn’t find anyone to help me in any of the stores. The friendly salespeople who used to help you select clothing have long ago disappeared. Even in relatively modern times there was always someone at a checkout stand ready to take your money. I couldn’t even find those people during this shopping experience. I really believe I could have pulled up an 18-wheeler and loaded it with their inferior merchandise and no one would have stopped me. The merchants don’t have to worry about thief because no one wants the stuff anyway. When I finally found someone to take my money they knew nothing about the merchandise because they were not familiar with that section of the store. It takes about 30 minutes for the sales transaction because the store representative (not salesperson) has to punch around on the computer long enough to copy “Gone With the Wind.” I realize they are entering data to keep up with their inventory but the amount of punching on the keyboard is ridiculous. It’s more computer activity than required by NASA to send a man to the moon.

Boy, was I glad to get back to the porch and put on my in style blue jeans that are faded with holes in the knees. Because of my expanding midsection they now fit comfortably just above the symphysis. I think I will wear them to church next Sunday.

From now on I’m going to order my stuff out of the Vermont Country Store Catalogue. Another thing I noticed in the stores was the paucity of customers. I wonder why? The few employees I did see were installing Christmas trees and it’s only Sept 24. I must be in a time warp. Since Christmas is now starting at the end of simmer, I will just pretend it’s winter and throw another blanket on the bed since I don’t have any pajamas.


Blogger jeff ludwick said...

Well at least this makes me feel a lot better about myself, Doc. A few months ago my Prime Minister had apparently watched too much TV and decided I needed a wardrobe makeover. "All you wear is Wranglers, regular Wranglers, Brown Wranglers, etc. etc. and boots..." She was right. I have a gray suit for weddings and a blue suit for funerals and Wranglers. If I wear my blue suit to work Andy always asks "Who died?"

My trip to Dillard's didn't work out as my PM decided that I looked "out of place" wearing the new fashions and she told me to go to Harry's in San Saba and get some more Wranglers. I like Harry's because they don't have a computer-just little tablets where they hand write "boots" or "jeans" and put the amount. They still carry Fruit of the Loom underwear and Justin socks and they have Wranglers of every color and my favorite Justin boots. And they never have to order anything.

You would love Harry's, Doc. Once a year I buy a new hat and tell the girls to crease it to make my look like George Strait. Their answer is always the same, "We don't have any hats that are that expensive...."

11:33 AM  

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